Blessings
“The level of appreciation that I feel for what I would call the blessings in my life is in direct correlation to knowing what it is like to go without these blessings.”
It has been said that “you can only go as high as you go deep.” In contemplating the idea behind that thought, I wonder if we can truly recognize the height of blessings without first feeling the depth of the absence of them.
The level of appreciation that I feel for what I would call the blessings in my life is in direct correlation to knowing what it is like to go without these blessings.
Feeling like my authentic self was not worthy of love, I now can appreciate the authentic love that I have with my family, friends, and with Chris. Pretending to be something I was not, in order to receive the love I thought I needed, was the very thing that prevented me from the very thing I was seeking. I avoided being myself, and because of that, I never felt genuinely loved. It took a radical mirror-moment that shattered the false reflection of myself to finally break free from this self-imposed prison. It took a deep look at some hard truths that I was trying to avoid to see the reality of my situation, and it was an ugly mess that took time for me to clean enough to see and be who I authentically am. As a result of doing the very thing I was trying to avoid, I attracted those who loved me for me, and this is a blessing that I do not take for granted.
Also, feeling void of reasons why I am here on Earth, I needed to face some hard truths so that I can appreciate the life that I am given while I’m here. It is easy to get wrapped up in what is wrong with the world; there are so many examples of how destructive possible pursuits of meaning can be. I have witnessed people being so wrapped up in their own personal needs and gain that they shut out or try to rid themselves of anything that gets in their way. Social media algorithms create the illusion that the world revolves around the individual’s beliefs. With all of this, I am learning that there is a blessing in understanding ideas that are unlike our own. I am learning that there is a blessing in understanding the bigger picture, beyond what feeds my own ego. I am learning that there is a blessing in struggling to understand. I am learning that the purpose of my life is to continue to pursue that understanding, and that through that pursuit, I am blessed with a perspective beyond my own biases.
When acknowledging this blessing, I also need to acknowledge what it took to receive it. The journey might not have been so pretty, but the destination is worth it. I still have moments of struggling to feel worthy of love and void of purpose, but at least I know that I have the strength that it takes to persevere on the path before me, because I did not continue to be paralyzed in my victim-mentality. The tear-stains and scars do not need to discourage me. They can remind me of what I have encountered on the journey to where I am. I have walked the path, met some monsters, and came out on the other side of this particular tunnel.
So, if you feel paralyzed, scared of the monsters in front of you or the darkness of the tunnel, may you persevere. These moments, although frightening and exhausting, can lead to you appreciating the strength and genuine experience that you have waiting for you on the other side.